Post by Bugsey on Jan 5, 2009 19:32:45 GMT -5
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, & others? You've probably heard of them before, but if you are old enough, don't you miss their humor?
Not one single swear word in their comedy.
* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, 'Are you comfortable? ' The man says, 'I make a good living.'
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* What are 3 words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? 'Honey, I'm home!'
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife & I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom & cried.
* My wife & I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .
* The Doctor gave a man 6 months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another 6 months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. ' Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'
* Doctor: 'You'll live to be 60!'
Patient: 'I AM 60!'
Doctor: 'See! What did I tell you?'
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, 'Doc, how do I stand? '
The doctor says, 'That's what puzzles me!'
* Patient: 'I have a ringing in my ears. '
Doctor: 'Don't answer!'
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, 'You've been brought here for drinking. '
The drunk says 'Okay, let's get started.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes.'
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence! .
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
7. A man called his mother in Florida, 'Mom, how are you?' '
Not too good,' said the mother. 'I've been very weak. '
The son said, 'Why are you so weak?'
She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.'
The son said, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?'
The mother answered, 'Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.'
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school & tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, 'What part is it?'
The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband. '
The mother scowls & says, 'Go back & tell the teacher you want a speaking part.'
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:(Sigh) 'Don't ! bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.'
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street & said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in 3 days.'
'Force yourself,' she replied.
13. Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler & a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don 't like anything that isn't 20% off.
Not one single swear word in their comedy.
* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, 'Are you comfortable? ' The man says, 'I make a good living.'
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* What are 3 words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? 'Honey, I'm home!'
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife & I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom & cried.
* My wife & I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .
* The Doctor gave a man 6 months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another 6 months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. ' Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'
* Doctor: 'You'll live to be 60!'
Patient: 'I AM 60!'
Doctor: 'See! What did I tell you?'
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, 'Doc, how do I stand? '
The doctor says, 'That's what puzzles me!'
* Patient: 'I have a ringing in my ears. '
Doctor: 'Don't answer!'
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, 'You've been brought here for drinking. '
The drunk says 'Okay, let's get started.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes.'
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence! .
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
7. A man called his mother in Florida, 'Mom, how are you?' '
Not too good,' said the mother. 'I've been very weak. '
The son said, 'Why are you so weak?'
She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.'
The son said, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?'
The mother answered, 'Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.'
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school & tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, 'What part is it?'
The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband. '
The mother scowls & says, 'Go back & tell the teacher you want a speaking part.'
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:(Sigh) 'Don't ! bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.'
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street & said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in 3 days.'
'Force yourself,' she replied.
13. Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler & a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don 't like anything that isn't 20% off.
King of the one-liners
