Post by Bugsey on Nov 23, 2008 12:02:07 GMT -5
Indian Student
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Shekhar entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Shekhar, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775” he said.
“Very good!
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Shekhar. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863” said Shekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Shekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “F*ck the Indians.”
“Who said that?” she demanded. Shekhar put his hand up.
=C 2
“General Custer, 1862.”
At that point, a student in the back said “I'm gonna puke.”
The teacher glares around and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”
Again, Shekhar says “George Bush the elder to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Shekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher “Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
=C 2
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said “You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.”
Shekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice “Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.”
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said “Oh shit, we're screwed!”
And Shekhar said quietly "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."
And:
What starts with F and Ends in K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too !'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal : 'What is 3 x 3 ?'
Harry : '9.'
Principal : 'What is 6 x 6 ?'
Harry : '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !
Harry replied : 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks : 'What does a dog do that a man steps into ?'
Harry : 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?'
Harry : ' Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks :' What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks : 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?'
Harry : 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an ' F ' and ends in ' K ' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?'
Harry : 'Fire truck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,' Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....
AND: HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Shekhar entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Shekhar, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775” he said.
“Very good!
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Shekhar. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863” said Shekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Shekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “F*ck the Indians.”
“Who said that?” she demanded. Shekhar put his hand up.
=C 2
“General Custer, 1862.”
At that point, a student in the back said “I'm gonna puke.”
The teacher glares around and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”
Again, Shekhar says “George Bush the elder to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Shekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher “Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
=C 2
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said “You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.”
Shekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice “Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.”
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said “Oh shit, we're screwed!”
And Shekhar said quietly "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."
And:
What starts with F and Ends in K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too !'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal : 'What is 3 x 3 ?'
Harry : '9.'
Principal : 'What is 6 x 6 ?'
Harry : '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !
Harry replied : 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks : 'What does a dog do that a man steps into ?'
Harry : 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?'
Harry : ' Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks :' What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks : 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?'
Harry : 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an ' F ' and ends in ' K ' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?'
Harry : 'Fire truck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,' Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....
AND: HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.